I cant pretend to be an expert on this topic, but feel called to write on it as a mother who loves her kids more then anything.
I have some definite feeling on the subject and know the effects that a carelessly thrown scentance can have on a person, but I recently had a fabulous talk with a woman (not a homeschooler but definitely and unconventional parent) who knew a lot more and was willing to share her thoughts and experiences with blessing, and wishing the best on your children.
I want to first address the fact that as north Americans we grow up hearing more then once to "just wait till you have kids and they'll give you as much trouble as you gave me". its common to our culture and society for people to grow up knowing that kids are trouble, and inconvenient. annoying in one way or another, and that they need to be molded into good people, as they aren't born that way.
And so we and our kids grow up hearing and seeing and feeling that kids are trouble, hard, and stressful. so when we go ahead and have our own kids people tell you "get ready to never sleep again!" "say good bye to your freedom" "how will you afford it?", and if you have more then one you start getting asked "your done now right?" "how many kids do you want?!" "you do know how much kids cost right?" and many other negative things. Kids should be greeted by joy and thanksgiving, not distress and fear of cost or inconvenience. They are a blessing and don't cost much at all, if you raise them with love rather then stuff. Anyways back on topic. Kids in North America from conception are greeted my stress and fear, and annoyance.
this is a different point of view from the woman I had the pleasure of asking what could be different.
She said she was raised helping her mom from before she could walk, doing chores as she could beside her mom, and being around "underfoot" as we say, constantly. Life was all about the children and family unit. there was no such thing as "me time" and no need for mom to be alone. Her grandma was around as well and they all worked together. Her mother never told her to do better or that she missed a spot when she wanted to do a chore by herself and was thanked and her mother was pleased by her efforts. And that made her try harder and love helping all the way till adulthood. She told me that they believe telling your kids to wait till they have kids to trouble them and see, or that their kids will be just as bad, or that your daughter will fight with you this much too, is bad bad bad to say and wish on your kids. that you never ever ever wish any hardship or trouble on your kids, and that no matter what you wish them a better life and that is the only thing you utter aloud to them or around them, that is the only thing you allow yourself to even think. They also believe kids should be close and constantly around. she said "above all you shouldn't force your children. let them be who they are, they are born with a personality, it doesn't grow from somewhere, they are made that way." and it is appreciated and is fine to be how you are. if they don't like broccoli, they can eat lettuce, if they need to always be clean they can change 5 times a day, if they love to work, they let them be about their projects constantly, if they are night people they let them stay up till mom and dad go to bed. they don't force them to eat, or go to bed before they are tired, or to vacuum if they hate it that they can do the dishes instead. and that kids are the whole center and heart of the house. they are part of everything and involved in everything. and though discipline is key, and good behavior expected and enforced, as well as manners and kindness, we don't believe in forcing people to be different then they are." And that blew my mind. Not forcing kids to be in bed early? letting kids stay up for family gatherings and then crash on whoever is holding them? not making them eat their lunch but giving a snack after? letting them change their clothes when they want? letting them be always in whatever is going on? those are the opposite of how I was raised, those are what I was always taught made people useless and spoiled....but actually they are not spoiled they grew into some of the hardest working most dedicated people I have ever known. they are kind and tough parents, whose kids turned out fabulous so far as teens, way better then every Canadian kid I know. more helpful, respectful, and common sense.
So that leaves me wondering, which way do I want to go? to force or not to force? my heart tells me not to force, that blessing them by being happy with who my children are is much better then a traditional schedule. I am thinking how would that look, what ways would discipline change, how would my mindset have to change, and will it work out well? my heart and mind say yes yes yes, it will. BUT it is hard to change your normal to make your kids normal something better, and I need to come up with a picture of what that will look like.
It's so hopeful to me to think that my daughter could feel happy and comfortable with who she is becoming in her teens and be happy at home till marriage. that My daughter could grow up never thinking a daughter will be her comeuppance, that we could happily manage the teen years without much for rebellion but rather becoming friends and much closer as she grows rather then growing apart till our breaking point and she leaves to live alone eating yogurt for supper as I did.
I really do think that saying things like "you just wait" to your kids is a curse of a kind, and that not doing that but keeping your mind so that you don't think they are trouble or inconvenient is a blessing and one you will reap as much as they do.
I think its always hard to go against the flow but as Christians we are called to that lifestyle, and instead we settle into comfort zones that are actually not good for our families. and there is a lot to be learned about a healthier home atmosphere and spirit being nurtured in your home from other cultures. And after all we are already homeschooling, why not go beyond and make a happier home for people to grow rather then conform in? Why not have homes that people are free to be themselves and are appreciated for it? why not have homes that are a community rather then a confine. why not not charge rent and instead have everyone pitch in? Im going to be thinking hard about this more I know as I want to bless my kids in everyway. And hearing my mother tell me last week that just wait my daughter wont be able to stand living with me as a young adult, and she will fight with me and not listen, hurt me. My reaction was "NO! I will not make it like that for her!"
And as this wise woman I was telling you about said one last thing I must share. she said they know that if your daughter cant live with you, you did that, you pushed her away, and put too much pressure for her to bear, she just had to get away. Being alone was better then the constant pressure. And that your daughters and sons should feel loved, and happy at home, they will stay till marriage, they wont fight about everything because you gave them that.
She said, "you give them freedom to stay or pressure and they go away. we know that. we say that to women who have trouble with their daughters. don't force them, and you all will be happy and they will grow into fabulous young women".
that kinda blew my mind. But I know its true, having it articulated so well was a bit of a shock tho. anyways lots to think about......I've got to get some sleep.
I have some definite feeling on the subject and know the effects that a carelessly thrown scentance can have on a person, but I recently had a fabulous talk with a woman (not a homeschooler but definitely and unconventional parent) who knew a lot more and was willing to share her thoughts and experiences with blessing, and wishing the best on your children.
I want to first address the fact that as north Americans we grow up hearing more then once to "just wait till you have kids and they'll give you as much trouble as you gave me". its common to our culture and society for people to grow up knowing that kids are trouble, and inconvenient. annoying in one way or another, and that they need to be molded into good people, as they aren't born that way.
And so we and our kids grow up hearing and seeing and feeling that kids are trouble, hard, and stressful. so when we go ahead and have our own kids people tell you "get ready to never sleep again!" "say good bye to your freedom" "how will you afford it?", and if you have more then one you start getting asked "your done now right?" "how many kids do you want?!" "you do know how much kids cost right?" and many other negative things. Kids should be greeted by joy and thanksgiving, not distress and fear of cost or inconvenience. They are a blessing and don't cost much at all, if you raise them with love rather then stuff. Anyways back on topic. Kids in North America from conception are greeted my stress and fear, and annoyance.
this is a different point of view from the woman I had the pleasure of asking what could be different.
She said she was raised helping her mom from before she could walk, doing chores as she could beside her mom, and being around "underfoot" as we say, constantly. Life was all about the children and family unit. there was no such thing as "me time" and no need for mom to be alone. Her grandma was around as well and they all worked together. Her mother never told her to do better or that she missed a spot when she wanted to do a chore by herself and was thanked and her mother was pleased by her efforts. And that made her try harder and love helping all the way till adulthood. She told me that they believe telling your kids to wait till they have kids to trouble them and see, or that their kids will be just as bad, or that your daughter will fight with you this much too, is bad bad bad to say and wish on your kids. that you never ever ever wish any hardship or trouble on your kids, and that no matter what you wish them a better life and that is the only thing you utter aloud to them or around them, that is the only thing you allow yourself to even think. They also believe kids should be close and constantly around. she said "above all you shouldn't force your children. let them be who they are, they are born with a personality, it doesn't grow from somewhere, they are made that way." and it is appreciated and is fine to be how you are. if they don't like broccoli, they can eat lettuce, if they need to always be clean they can change 5 times a day, if they love to work, they let them be about their projects constantly, if they are night people they let them stay up till mom and dad go to bed. they don't force them to eat, or go to bed before they are tired, or to vacuum if they hate it that they can do the dishes instead. and that kids are the whole center and heart of the house. they are part of everything and involved in everything. and though discipline is key, and good behavior expected and enforced, as well as manners and kindness, we don't believe in forcing people to be different then they are." And that blew my mind. Not forcing kids to be in bed early? letting kids stay up for family gatherings and then crash on whoever is holding them? not making them eat their lunch but giving a snack after? letting them change their clothes when they want? letting them be always in whatever is going on? those are the opposite of how I was raised, those are what I was always taught made people useless and spoiled....but actually they are not spoiled they grew into some of the hardest working most dedicated people I have ever known. they are kind and tough parents, whose kids turned out fabulous so far as teens, way better then every Canadian kid I know. more helpful, respectful, and common sense.
So that leaves me wondering, which way do I want to go? to force or not to force? my heart tells me not to force, that blessing them by being happy with who my children are is much better then a traditional schedule. I am thinking how would that look, what ways would discipline change, how would my mindset have to change, and will it work out well? my heart and mind say yes yes yes, it will. BUT it is hard to change your normal to make your kids normal something better, and I need to come up with a picture of what that will look like.
It's so hopeful to me to think that my daughter could feel happy and comfortable with who she is becoming in her teens and be happy at home till marriage. that My daughter could grow up never thinking a daughter will be her comeuppance, that we could happily manage the teen years without much for rebellion but rather becoming friends and much closer as she grows rather then growing apart till our breaking point and she leaves to live alone eating yogurt for supper as I did.
I really do think that saying things like "you just wait" to your kids is a curse of a kind, and that not doing that but keeping your mind so that you don't think they are trouble or inconvenient is a blessing and one you will reap as much as they do.
I think its always hard to go against the flow but as Christians we are called to that lifestyle, and instead we settle into comfort zones that are actually not good for our families. and there is a lot to be learned about a healthier home atmosphere and spirit being nurtured in your home from other cultures. And after all we are already homeschooling, why not go beyond and make a happier home for people to grow rather then conform in? Why not have homes that people are free to be themselves and are appreciated for it? why not have homes that are a community rather then a confine. why not not charge rent and instead have everyone pitch in? Im going to be thinking hard about this more I know as I want to bless my kids in everyway. And hearing my mother tell me last week that just wait my daughter wont be able to stand living with me as a young adult, and she will fight with me and not listen, hurt me. My reaction was "NO! I will not make it like that for her!"
And as this wise woman I was telling you about said one last thing I must share. she said they know that if your daughter cant live with you, you did that, you pushed her away, and put too much pressure for her to bear, she just had to get away. Being alone was better then the constant pressure. And that your daughters and sons should feel loved, and happy at home, they will stay till marriage, they wont fight about everything because you gave them that.
She said, "you give them freedom to stay or pressure and they go away. we know that. we say that to women who have trouble with their daughters. don't force them, and you all will be happy and they will grow into fabulous young women".
that kinda blew my mind. But I know its true, having it articulated so well was a bit of a shock tho. anyways lots to think about......I've got to get some sleep.
